Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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