I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
you're hired as official boob wrangler
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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