im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
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