when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Randomize
