It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
