I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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