Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My liver just had a heart attack.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
