I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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