Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
