I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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