we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Who died my cat blue again?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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