We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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