I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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