I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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