Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
