I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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