i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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