On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
