You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
