if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Randomize
