Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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