I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
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