yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
