I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
