Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
