We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
