They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Randomize
