i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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