I just gift wrapped bread.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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