"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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