there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
