Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
