Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
