By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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