I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
