We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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