I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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