as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
