i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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