Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
