I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
