my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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