We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
