Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
