so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
