i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
