I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
