She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize