i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
