Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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