He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
