The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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