The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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