Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
