I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
