i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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