just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
