I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
my shit smells like andre
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
