I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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